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Tonight

I am missing a bunch of people. My family is fractured and my heart is hurting. I feel like the little 7 year old all over again, wondering why only half of my family was together. Back then i wondered all the time where my Daddy was. Tonight the little girl inside of me is crying out for her Papa. She wants someone to hold her and read her stories and snuggle her to sleep, to kiss her on the forehead and tell her they love her before tucking her into bed. She wants someone to color pretty pictures for. I'm trying to take care of her as best i can, but how can i when its taking everything i have to hold myself together? I just want a little break. I want to be able to scream and cry and let everything i'm holding in out. I was told by so many people this weekend how wonderful and amazing i looked and how happy i seemed. The mask is cracking. I'm tired of pretending i'm fine. The truth is, even in a crowd of amazing friends, protectors, family, and guardian angels, i am lonely, scared, hurt, and tired. Will someone please invent a time machine so i can go back and change history?

Comments

( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
feyrieprincess
Feb. 13th, 2010 02:13 am (UTC)
I love you Mandy
energyneophyte
Feb. 14th, 2010 09:23 am (UTC)
Mandi loves you too Feyrie. She wishes she had a Daddy like yours and Kendells.
kendell
Feb. 13th, 2010 02:32 am (UTC)
i love you toooooo!
energyneophyte
Feb. 14th, 2010 09:23 am (UTC)
I love you too Ken. Hugs to you and your Daddy
silken_shadow
Feb. 13th, 2010 02:51 am (UTC)
Mama loves Mandi and always will.
energyneophyte
Feb. 14th, 2010 09:22 am (UTC)
Mandi loves Mama, even if she's never met her.

And god knows i absolutely fucking adore you.
chaos_returns
Feb. 13th, 2010 01:52 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
energyneophyte
Feb. 14th, 2010 09:21 am (UTC)
hugs back

thanks chaos
septembernc
Feb. 13th, 2010 02:51 pm (UTC)
"Will someone please invent a time machine so i can go back and change history?"

No. Your time machine is the present and it will allow you to change the future.
feyrieprincess
Feb. 14th, 2010 02:57 am (UTC)
Aw, come on Vulcan, invent the girl a fucking time machine ;P
energyneophyte
Feb. 14th, 2010 09:21 am (UTC)
Yeah, what she said.

Seriously though, i do get what you're saying. Just doesn't change how i'm feeling right now.
beth_
Feb. 13th, 2010 03:53 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
My heart goes out to you. It's not a fun place to be. Unfortunately, there's no magic solution to make you feel better -- only inner strength and the love & caring of friends. Fortunately, you have tons of both.
*more hugs*
energyneophyte
Feb. 14th, 2010 09:20 am (UTC)
You are right in one very important aspect, i do have amazing loving and caring friends.

Thanks beth
southern_femme
Feb. 13th, 2010 11:52 pm (UTC)
Sometimes it is okay to take time for yourself.. time to enjoy and practice what is close to your heart. Take your time and enjoy... don't crack... the world isn't worth it.. but, you are worth the time to mend and adapt.

xoxoxo,
S.
energyneophyte
Feb. 14th, 2010 09:19 am (UTC)
Worth is a strange concept, first you have to believe in it in order for it to have meaning.

Thanks Gorgeous Lady
shdwkitten
Feb. 14th, 2010 01:42 am (UTC)
So do me a favor......take the mask off, throw it to the ground and make sure to throw it hard enough to shatter it into a thousand pieces. Quit holding things in. Stop pretending you are okay. Tell the truth when asked. Say "no I am not okay." It is okay to tell people what you need from them. Yell, scream and let it all out. Holding things in is no better than eating a poison. All it does it fill you full of toxins and slowly kills you.

You cannot change the past but you can shape the outcome of things to come. Do not dwell on things gone and do not dread those things to come as you cannot control either of them. But you can control the actions of the very moments that are happening to you right now.

We love you and you are always welcomed to come hear to yell and scream and curl up with us. I will even take time out from homework to colour with you. *hugs*
energyneophyte
Feb. 14th, 2010 09:18 am (UTC)
Call me tomorrow if you can.
efire360
Feb. 15th, 2010 04:37 pm (UTC)
Seriously, screaming, crying and letting your heart wrench out of place is exactly what you should do. How else are you going to move forward when you haven't let it go? I have a four-foot tall teddy bear that I've had since I was sixteen. When I feel that upset and alone, I still cuddle up to him and cry in his fur. Sometimes you just have to do it. I prefer to do it alone than with other people, but you just have to do it sometime or you'll end up accidentally dumping it on the next person you care about.
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )